Reflections

Come and listen,

all you who fear God;

let me tell you

what He has done for me.

-Psalm 66:16-

 

I have been able to spend some time this week reflecting on the past eight months I have spent in Mexico.  As I look back at my journal and as I remember emotions and events from this year, I am so amazed.  God has worked and He has moved.  He has changed me.  He has changed our team.  He has changed people in Matamoros.  The first few months I was here, I honestly thought I wasn’t going to make it.  I can see now how I was so dependent on people.  Without my friends from home, I felt alone and misunderstood.  Looking back, God taught me that He is here and that He will always be here.  I’m never alone and He truly is all I need.  Another thing I learned is that God’s character is not dependent on circumstances.  He is who He is all the time – no matter what happens around me.  Something He’s been teaching me recently is that I need to fall in love with Him – not with ministry.  I love what we do down here, but do I love Jesus?  I’m learning that I need to pursue HIM and HIS HEART, not ministry or other good things.  I can’t live for Harvard or visiting colonias or going to youth group or whatever it may be.  I live for Jesus and then do the things I do out of love and obedience to Him.  It’s so easy now to look back and see how He was working throughout every situation and challenge this year.  He has done great things and He deserves all the glory.  I want to share some things from my journal as an example of what God has done.  As you read this, my intention is not that you see me at all; the goal is that you see what HE HAS DONE and how HE HAS SHOWED HIMSELF FAITHFUL AND MIGHTY throughout this entire experience. 

 

September 19, 2007

“I can’t believe I’m actually in Mexico.  It feels like I’ve been talking about this forever and working towards it for so long…This is only the beginning.  I can’t even imagine what things will be like this year.  I’m just so excited to learn, explore, and grow.”

 

October 24, 2007

“I feel inadequate, under qualified, and spiritually immature…I crave having someone here to understand me and someone who I understand…I want somebody to love me – right here, where I am and for who I am…So much of me wants to go home right now.  There are people there who get me…I want to be wanted.  I want to be accepted.”

 

October 28, 2007

“It seems like each day my desire to go home grows stronger.  That’s honestly not the way I want to be.  I don’t want to wish away the time I have here…I don’t want to waste it.  I want to enjoy it, soak it all in, and make the most of every opportunity.”

 

November 5, 2007

“Begin changing me so that Your passions become my passions and Your dreams become the ones I chase.  Teach me what it means to follow You.  Show me what it means to pursue Your heart and plans for my life…God, I want to love You more than anything – and more than everything.  This is just so hard.”

 

November 15, 2007

“God, what are You trying to teach me through this experience?  It’s not at all easy, but I know You called me here for a reason…This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I definitely can’t do it alone – so I think I’m in a great spot for You to display Your strength.  I’m at the perfect place to learn.  Use what Satan intends for evil for good instead…Help me have perseverance in difficult situations.”

 

December 14, 2007

“Thank you for these past three months in Mexico.  It hasn’t been easy, but as I look back, I can see You everywhere.  You have taught and are continuing to teach me so much through this experience.  I’m learning about my true home, where my strength comes from, and who I am.  Though it has been tough and many times I wanted to quit, I’m so grateful for this semester and the challenges I faced.”

 

January 29, 2008

“This semester will be different, I hope…I don’t need family and I don’t need friends (although family and friends are good, valuable, important parts of life) and I don’t need money – I need Jesus.  All of the other things could be lived without, but I can’t live without Jesus…This semester I want to remember that He’s here.  His presence is with me and I’ll never be alone.”

 

February 3, 2008

“I want to base all I do and how I feel on who You are and on what You have done and what You do for me.  I want my love and passion for You to infect and affect all aspects of my life.  I want to know You in a real way – to see You with fresh eyes and in such a clear way that I can’t help but be different.  If I see You for who You really are, I will be changed…I want to fall in love with Your heart.”

 

February 18, 2008

“I’m struggling to be ‘more than a conqueror’ through Christ.  I do want to give up and walk away because continuing forward just isn’t easy.  But in spite of all that, I’m falling in love with Jesus and I’m beginning to get a glimpse of His heart.  I want to follow where He leads me – and I believe, even though it’s difficult, that it is totally, completely worth it.”

 

February 19, 2008

“When I got back down here this semester, the first thing I started learning was that Jesus is all I need.  So here I am, in a place where it feels like He’s all I have…When it seems like the whole world has abandoned me, He’s still here, and I want to believe that that’s more than enough.”

 

March 7, 2008

“These months in Mexico alone have taught me how incredibly rewarding it is to be where You want me to be.”

 

March 12, 2008

“Break my heart for what breaks Yours.  Don’t allow me to get comfortable while people around me suffer.  I should be bothered at the sight of kids who haven’t had enough to eat and who don’t have enough clothes to wear living in a tiny shack.  I should never, ever be okay with that.  I should never become numb to it or stop caring.  I want the pain of others to hurt me.  I want the suffering of others to affect me…I want to see people like He does.  And I never, ever want to walk away unaffected or unmoved after seeing intense pains and hurts of others.  I always want to care.”

 

April 5, 2008

“I never thought I’d say this, but I don’t want it (this year) to end.  I don’t feel ready to leave the friends I have come to know as family.  I’m not ready to leave a place that has become so close to my heart…God, I want to understand the reality of what I claim to believe.  It’s life or death.”

 

April 14, 2008

“Never would I have imagined that I’d be sitting here a month away from the end of my time as an FYM feeling sad and desperately wanting this not to be over…As I look back, I can see how God prepared me to face all the difficulties and how He held me through each challenge.  So often I wondered where He was, but now looking back I can see that He never left.  His love, His grace, His peace, His freedom, and His restoration are woven throughout my entire time in Mexico.  He proved Himself strong and incredibly faithful.  There were so many days when I truly believed I wouldn’t make it.  I longed for home, trust, value, and love, usually not realizing Jesus offering all that and more…He is all I need and He satisfied and continues to satisfy the cravings of my soul…These past months have been by far the most challenging, difficult months of my life – but this has also been the greatest joy I’ve ever known.  It has been overwhelmingly rewarding to be where God wants me to be.  It hasn’t been easy, but it has been absolutely worth it.  Following Christ isn’t a burden, it’s an honor..It’s beautiful what He’s done with this year.  It’s beautiful what He’s done with me.  He was strong in all of my weakness.  He was my hope in all of my desperation.  He moves the mountains.  He really, truly does.”