No Options

The past two weeks have been some of the most difficult, emotional, challenging weeks of my life.  Not many times have I felt this disappointed, alone, misunderstood, or dry.  After everything that happened with Bob, it’s really hard to trust.  I’m hurt, angry, and frustrated.  And now it’s decision time.  Some people have chosen to go home at the end of the week.  I support them because I know their hearts and I know they are actively seeking the Lord’s will for their lives.  God’s plan for each of our lives looks different and that’s okay.  It’s sad and hard, though, because we are a family and especially because the ones leaving are some of my closest friends.  Personally, my mind is tormenting me.  I could go.  I could stay.  I want to see my friends at home.  I don’t want to leave Mexico.  Those factors shouldn’t be deciders in my decision.  I’m just being honest, though.  I’ve had all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and ideas this week.  And honestly, I can rationalize either decision.  I can convince myself or be convinced of both perspectives.  So what do I do?  Where do I go?  What’s the “right thing” for me in a crazy, twisted, complicated mess like this?  Here’s where I am at this point – God called me here.  I’m confident that He called me to Mexico, and He knew all this would happen long before I signed up to come here.  So, since I know without a doubt that He told me to come here, unless He clearly calls me OUT of this, there’s no way for me to justify leaving.  I’m hurt.  I’m confused.  In many ways I disagree with how the situation was handled.  I’m frustrated.  But God is still God.  He still called me here.  The way I see it right now is that there are no options.  I don’t have a decision to make.  I stay in Mexico until God tells me to leave.  I continue doing what He’s asked of me until He calls me out of that.  So, knowing God placed me here, I’m going to stay until May unless He decides to tell me otherwise.  It’s going to be rough.  It won’t always be easy or fun, but I really, truly believe He is worthy.  Even though this is a really crappy situation, I will choose to say “blessed be the name of the Lord”.  He hasn’t left or stopped being God.  Ministry is a lot bigger than one man or one mistake.  Sin and its effects really stink, but God is still able to work through it – after all, He can move the mountains.  For now I don’t know where I’ll be living or what I’ll be doing and I’m learning to be okay with that.  God will provide.  I’m not being brave or spiritual and I don’t claim to have all the answers or to understand completely how this will all work out.  I’m struggling to trust God and to have faith.  I’m struggling to be “more than a conqueror” through Christ.  I do want to give up and walk away because I know continuing forward just isn’t easy.  But in spite of all that, I’m falling in love with Jesus and I’m beginning to get a glimpse of His heart.  I want to follow where He leads me – and I believe, even though it’s difficult, that it is totally, completely worth it.